So I’ve been on a weird funk lately. Not the “Woe is me” crippling kind of depression but something that goes when you’re all hormonal and shit, I don’t know, really. I somehow got this feeling that, somewhere along the way, I made some kind of mistake. I can’t figure out what particular mistake that is, but it does bother me a lot.
I feel that I do have to settle several “misunderstandings” that happened recently and I started with an old friend who unconsciously caused someone I know to go bat fucking crazy over something meaningless. I really hated paying for other people’s sins much more apologize for their behavior. To be quite honest, I’m just as dumbfounded as everyone were but the bottom line is, I was responsible for it and as much as I want the past to undo itself magically, I can’t. Also, the guy deserved better treatment and so I humbly apologized. I’m glad it’s over though.
I think that particular incident really put me in a really foul mood. I don’t know why. I guess in some ways, I’m angry over certain choices I made. I just couldn’t believe I’m still making the wrong choices in life, at this fucking age where I’m supposed to know better.
Another incident I’m bound to settle soon involves a boy who had me panicking because he confessed something. My only explanation is that I freaked out.
I think it’s clear I’m having one of those quater life crisis.And this weird funk is not limited to my personal life but also my job.
It felt like the safe life I’m leading is well, not enough. I got the boys talking about climbing the corporate ladder and fulfillment and adult shit like that. That just depressed me more than anything. And I know I’m thisclose on making a horrible, horrible mistake. I need a vacation but I’m not going to ask for one because I’m afraid I might not come back.
To make matters worse, I feel a strong urge to smoke again. Of course, I’m fighting the temptation to but it’s so freakin’ hard. Hay.