I’m not a burger person. Although, I don’t find a thick slab of pulverized beef slapped with the usual condiments in-between two buns repulsive, it’s just that I like eating rice more. Last Friday was weird though. I was about to head up north for my bi-monthly “pagbibigay-pugay” with my parents and a few hours before my shift ends, I was craving for a burger. Not just any burger, I was craving for a mean McDonald’s Quarter-Pounder with cheese
I was recovering from the after effects of a migraine that I had the day before and I felt I should cut myself some slack and just go and have one. I have been watching what I eat for a few years ever since I went on a crash diet on my senior year in college. Needless to say, a quarter-pounder is out of the question. The last time I had a quarter-pounder, I was a college junior, my fattest year. I clearly remember being defeated by that bugger too.
Unsure of whether or not I should go and buy one, I talked to a friend and asked her if it’s wise for me to do such a terrible, terrible thing. With an exasperated sigh, she said, “For Christ sake’s, if you want a burger, eat one!” Okay, Methinks I got meself a person to blame if I get fat! So off I went to the wonderful, wonderful land of grilled patties, french fries and fried chicken… where heart attack, cholesterol and fatties roam wild and free… McDonald’s! (horns blowing)
I confidently ordered the Quarter-Pounder meal. Since I haven’t had one of those for a long time (and was too hungry to bother asking around), I had no idea the meal included super-sized drinks and large fries. By the time I got my order, I was already regretting it. But then I told myself, well that’s what coke light is for, silly bunny! The things that ran through my head as I stared at my gargantuan meal:
Tina1: Tangina mo, katakawan. Sige, ubusin mo yan!
Tina2: Sharaaap! You’re not gonna fuck this one for me.
Tina1: We didn’t just starve ourselves for a week to eat this shit, did we?!
Tina2: How should I know na madami to? I just wanted the damned burger…
Tina1: I swear to your God, Tina… If I die of a heart attack right now, I’m blaming you! We could’ve asked for the regular burger but nooo, genius here had to…
Tina1: Y’know what? I don’t see why you’re so upset over this? It’s coke light, hello!
Tina2: Are you out of your fucking mind?!
Tina1: See that temper? Why can’t you, for once in your life, be spontaneous? Raise your voice one more time and I swear…
Tina3: Fuck you both, I’m eating this shit.
Both of them clammed up when I grabbed the Quarter-Pounder in front of me. I could hear the collective sound of my arteries shutting itself close as I peeled open the wrapping. There it is. Warm, moist burger buns… Thick slab of meat with cheese, catsup, mustard and whatever wonderfulness there is in-between. I suppose tens of thousands of writers died trying to describe the beauty that beheld me. It was so… beautiful! I could just cry. The first bite was the best. It was soooo fucking good. By the time I ate half of my fries, most of my burger and all of my coke light, I was thisclose on puking my guts out.
I tell you though, that was the best 30 minutes of my life. But I swear to God, if I eat another one of those monster burger in the near future, I’d kill myself with a blunt knife,