Natalie Gangsta Rap- Natalie Portman Feat. The Lonely Planet

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Chris Parnell: We’re sitting here today with film star Natalie Portman.

Natalie Portman: Hello.

Parnell: So, Natalie, what’s the day in life of Natalie Portman like?

Portman: Do you really want to know?

Parnell: Yes, tell us…

Portman: I don’t sleep motherfucker
Off that yak and Durban
Doin’ 120 gettin’ head while I’m swervin’

Seth Meyers: Damn Natalie you a crazy chick

Portman: Yo shut the fuck up and suck my dick
I busted dudes mouth like gushers motherfucker
Roll up on NBC and smack the shit outta Jeff Zucker

Guys: What you want Natalie
Portman: to drink and fight
Guys: what you need Natalie
Portman: to fuck all night

Don’t test when I’m crazy on that airplane glue
Put my foot down your throat
Till you shit in my shoe
Leave you screaming
Pay for my dry cleaning
Fuck your man
It’s my name that he’s screamin’

Parnell: I’m sorry Natalie, but are we to believe you condone driving while intoxicated?
Portman: I never said I was a role model.
Parnell: What about the kids that look up to you? Do you have a message for them?

Portman: All the kids lookin’ up to me can suck my dick
It’s Portman mother fucker
Drink till I’m sick
Slit your throat
And pour nitrous down the hole
Watch you laugh and cry
While I laugh you die
And all the dudes
You know I’m talkin to you
Guys: we love you Natalie
Portman: I wanna fuck you too
P is for Portman
P is for pussy!
I’ll kill your fuckin dog for fun so don’t push me

Parnell: Well, Natalie I’m surprised. All this from a Harvard graduate.
Portman: Well there’s a lot you may not know about me.
Parnell: Really? Such as?

When I was in Harvard
I smoked weed every day
I cheated every test
And snorted all the yay
I gotta a def posse
And you gotta buncha dudes
I sit right down on your face and take a shit

Andy Samberg: Natalie you are a bad ass bitch (hell yeah! )
And I always pay for your dry cleanin
When my shit gets in your shoe (What! ?)
As for the drug use
Well I can vouch for that
My dick is scared of you
Girl

Parnell: Okie-doke. One final question, if you could steal a smooch from any guy in Hollywood, who would it–

(Portman throws chair at Parnell)
Portman: No more questions

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Tina Lee

Tina Lee-Almazar is a writer with an insatiable appetite for all things bright, shiny, and beautiful. She's a beauty junkie, a shopping connoisseur, a book collector, and a purse addict. Tina has a long-standing (and well-documented!) but one-sided love affair with cats. Special talents include: the ability to eat again an hour after eating, shopping at 3 different malls in 1 day, and taking a 3-hour power nap every day including weekends.

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